Thursday, October 2, 2008

Time alone...

Sitting for an hour was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I, of course wanted an excuse to sit and do nothing for an hour but I had to restrain myself from drinking tea. I focused on how I felt physically; I tried to elongate my breath. My seat was cold. My feet were cold. I tried not to think about all the work that I have to do…though, in actuality I knew I was just being overly anxious. I thought about the weather, the changing season and how it’s affecting me. I like the current state of the weather. The slight chill in the air and the grayness is romantic and it allows me to wear layers but there’s an underlying sadness to it all. I feel rushed. I feel like I need to hurry and do all of the outdoor things that I want to do before winter appears and terrorizes my life for the next nine months. I am one of those people that need sunshine and heat in order to feel free and happy. I could never handle coldness well.

Back to my hour alone… I drifted in an out of consciousness. A few times I was close to falling asleep. It was very relaxing yet also filled me with anxiety over the things that I felt I should be doing. I cheated once and removed a book from my table. I eventually sat with my arms crossed to avoid any further temptation. I wish sitting alone for an hour wasn’t something that was such a chore for me. I wish I found the time to do it more often.

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